If you didn’t know then I’ll tell you. I have found work at a dumpy little place called J’s here in Portland. I work for Kevin and Helen a nice Korean couple. They are swell, they really are, a little corky but real swell. After talking about where and why I went to college Helen leans in and whispers in my ear that the ‘J’ in J’s Market stands for Jesus. I think she likes telling me things like that because when she does she gets this big devilish grin on her face and all. She can be a real devil sometimes. No, not the scary red horned Milton devil. None of that religious stuff at J’s. She’s the good kind of devil that’s always up to something funny and all. I sure get a kick out of ol’ Helen sometimes.
I guess I work at Jesus’ Market. Helen’s a clever lady and all. You would never believe me but behind the counter there is this picture of old Jesus laughing his big damn ears off. I’m sure old Jesus would be the kind of guy standing around laughing his damn ears off every once in awhile. Though not all the time or nothing like that, old Jesus can be real serious sometimes, like the most serious guy you ever met. But I’m sure he did a lot of laughing those big old ears off and all.
Around the time I started working for them they let me off work one night so I could go to this razzy event at Church and all and old Helen told me that if I would have asked off for any other reason then her and old Kevin would have said no but since I was asking off for Church they said yes. She told me that it was because they loved God or something like that. I nodded in agreement I was off of work. I mean, I love God I tell ya. I do. I’m one of those guys that’s going around and praying all of the damn time and all but don’t get me wrong I’m not no goofy fundamentalist or nothing. Getting off of work was good and all don’t think it wasn’t. But when a guy gets off of work to go to Church he starts feeling bad for all those dopes who have to work. I think it’s weird how a guy will start feeling bad over something he can’t control. I mean I would have worked and all but I wasn’t really in the mood you know. I mean all I’m saying is that you just have to be in the mood to work on a day when your boss lets you off.
Knowing that I went to a Bible college old Helen naturally thinks I’m a preacher. Come to think of it most women do, you know the type: they’re all sweet and everything but they go around saying he’s a preacher and then they start gettin’ jazzed about it. Like saying he’s a preacher is going to jazz anyone these days. Preachers are a funny bunch. I mean they are people who can be real serious one minute and then go laughing their ears off the next. Old Helen’s a sweet lady I tell ya. She told me that she’s been Catholic her whole life and only recently her and her family have become Protestant. Have you ever noticed that all the Catholics want to know if you’re Catholic and all Protestants are going around trying to make you Protestant. I don’t like it much though. I’m not a sore guy or nothing like that. I’m really not. I mean I’m a protestant who likes the Catholic’s a lot. I mean I used to not and all. But then a guy grows up and starts liking all the damn Catholics in the world. So I told old Helen that I like the Catholic’s and she started getting all jazzed with this big old grin, “Then why don’t you become a Priest?” I didn’t have to think about this very long. I’m pretty quick on my feet sometimes. I told her that I wanted to get married someday. She grinned about as big as old Jesus behind the counter was grinning and said, “O, very clever boy!” I got a kick out her calling me a clever boy and all. It was just the right thing to do. I mean when somebody calls you a clever boy you know they like ya. You can just tell when a lady like Helen calls you clever that she really likes you.
She went searching in her big oversized dumb purse for something to show me. Old Helen looked back at me and said, “I’ll show you a picture of my daughter!”
As I have said earlier Korean girls are the prettiest girls in the world. Hell if you wanna know the truth, I think all these pretty girls have it too easy in the world. They just go around hanging off the arm of some dope they don’t care too much about and all. But let me tell ya that old Helen is an attractive 49 and she’s about the only pretty girl in the whole world that’s not going around not working. So my expectations were high. “Ah, she is very pretty . . . I see she takes after her mother.” And let me tell ya, I wasn’t flattering Helen, I was telling the truth. Although I’m an excellent liar, I wasn’t lying. Trust me, I can but it wasn’t necessary. My boss’s daughter was as pretty as I’ll get out. I love pretty girls, I really do, I get a big kick out of em. That’s the trouble with me I’m always fallen in love with every pretty girl walks by. But when a girl knows she’s pretty is about when I stop liking her. I mean I can know when she’s pretty and all but when she starts knowing about it then that sort of ruins it for me. That’s why you don’t tell nobody nothing.
Like all mothers these days when you talk about their children she was getting a real bang out it. Boy was I piling it on. I sure do know how to pile it on too I tell ya. She was about knee deep in what I was piling on. Boy, was I given it to her.
Old Helen was having a good old time telling me about her daughter and all, “She’s 23!”
“I’m 25.” I mean since girls mature faster than boys and all. At least that’s what all the Harvard phonies walking around with pretty girls on their arms making all the dough in the whole goddamn world say. Big deal.
Now at this point a guy has to be real careful with his words. Helen is still my boss. And it is her daughter who is a pretty damn good lookin. I came up with a plan. I’m full of these plans. I dream about plans, I do. This one time in high school I told my mom, she’s great, about a plan of mine to get more sleep before school and all. She didn’t like it too much but I thought it was a swell plan. My plan was to suggest that old Helen was an expert in Korean cookin’ which I’m sure she is too. All these Koreans are good at cooking. They can’t help it. I’ve never met a Korean that wasn’t good at cooking something. And I was going to tell her that I had a knack for trying such things, which I do. The second part of my plan was to meet the girl in the picture. I mean she was cute and all but nothing to get too excited about. Helen gave me the worst news a guy could hear at this point. Rotten news. This news was so bad it made my chin hurt. It did too. I think it even made old Jesus stop laughing his big old ears off. She told me that her daughter is attending college all the way out in distant . . . faraway . . . long lost . . . at the end of the earth . . . California. I hate that state. Why do things like that happen? I mean what’s out in California? Not much I tell ya just a bunch of dumb phonies going to college and all. If you wanna know the truth, news like that sure makes a guy feel lousy about himself. I don’t smoke or nothing, I don’t I tell ya but I was sure wanting to light up a cigarette and all. One of those Turkish kinds that you roll up yourself and put behind your ear. I mean news like that’ll make a guy turn to smoking. I don’t smoke or nothing. It’ll kill ya if you’re not careful.
I recovered. I mean a guy has to recover after news like that or he’s a phony and all and will probably start attending college out in California or something like that. I told her I would be around in the summertime don’t think I won’t either. Helen smirked. She knew what I meant. That’s the trouble with women these days they always going around knowing what you mean. All of em’ are goin’ around knowing what everyone in the whole world are meaning. It’s alright sometimes but a guy has to be in the mood for it or it’s just a big bore when people know what you mean. It just takes the fun out of things. I started wondering if old Helen’s daughter knew she was pretty or not. I mean if she does, she’s probably with one of those big hot-shot phonies making all the dough. No, I bet she doesn’t because old Helen is about as sweet as they come. In the mean time I’ll work scoring some of that food. I mean one out of two ain’t bad for a guy busy catching people out of the rye and all.
At J’s we have an unwritten rule that says if you bring-in over fifteen hundred dollars on any given night then you get a bonus. I never gave it much thought because no-one has ever made over fifteen hundred dollars on any given night. I mean one night I came close with thirteen and all but that’s far away from fifteen when candy bars are 89-cents a piece. If you wanna know the truth I think fifteen hundred would be a miracle for old laughing Jesus behind the counter.
So as you are probably guessing I made over sixteen hundred dollars the next night. I’m a real prince sometimes a real prince I tell ya. I guess our candy bars are that good. And don’t think for a second that I didn’t hesitate to put a star and a happy face on the paperwork so that old Helen wouldn’t overlook it or nothing. If you don’t use stars and happy faces every once in a while you’ll get lost in this big lousy world of ours. Somebody will forget something you did. Old Helen sure was smiling when I came in the next day. She was grinning from ear to ear like old Jesus. She was having a good time. Like I said, I get a big bang out of stuff like that.
“Very good! You made over fifteen hundred dollars . . . O so busy for you!” all with her cute thumbs in the air and all. She sure was having fun. She was elated and all. Elated, now I sure hate that word. But old Helen hardly ever gets sore about anything. She can be a real riot sometimes. Anyway, it was a good sight for a guy that works at J’s. She reminded me of the bonus policy, don’t think for a minute that I forgot about the bonus. I dreamed about it all night. Though I started feeling depressed about using stars and happy faces and all. But Helen didn’t care too much. She really is a good boss and all, I mean as far as boss’s go. But I was still unsure of what “bonus” meant at J’s. Really, it could mean anything around here. And when something can mean anything you sort of start going crazy and all trying to think of what it could mean. Your brain just can’t take it. But you’re not going to figure it out no-one is ever going to figure it out, I mean until it happens and all. Some things just happen and then you know. That’s the fun part.
But nothing happened. I mean nothing at all. I began work and she went home. . I was like a child before a wrapped present under a tree now experts say that the anticipation brings more enjoyment than the actual receiving experience. I think that’s all a bunch of high brow Yale boy talk but I’m sure they’re all right fellows and all in their own way makin’ a lot of dough.
An hour later the phone rang. “J’s Market how can I help you?” I always have to answer the damn phone like that. And I don’t like it one bit. To know the truth I hate it. I hate talkin’ on the phone at work and all it’s a real bore. It makes a guy feel like a real sonuvabitch sometimes talking on the phone at work. I mean it’s all right and all but you just have to be in the mood for that sort of thing. It was Helen on the other end. In her fast Korean accent she asked, moreover she demanded old Helen’s always demanding things but she does it in this real sweet way with an old Jesus smile and all. You can’t get mad at someone with a Jesus smile, especially old Helen. “What’s your pant size?” She wanted to know my pant size. My heart damn near skipped a beat out of my chest. This was the cutest thing I’ve ever heard of and I was gettin’ real excited about a new pair of pants.
The next day she waved a pair of dark brown shorts in front of my face and said with a big Helen smile, “Your Bonus!” If you want to know the truth, I thought it was a little cheesy and all but they were good looking shorts, they were too. I started feeling sad for every dope in the whole world who didn’t have great shorts like these. That’s the trouble with getting something new; you always start feeling damn near depressed for everyone who has something old. I wanted to give the shorts to some guy who had old raggedy shorts on and all. But I didn’t do that. I guess she was tired of seeing my shorts that I picked up three years ago on a sale rack at American Eagle. I don’t go shopping much, it’s the truth.
Helen is a very good boss, though not as good as old Laura Dudley who gave me food everyday of my poor life – I get a kick out of getting food when I’m poor and all, if you’re ever downtown Joplin Missouri stop in at Columbia Traders for lunch and coffee. To know the truth I usually hate phony plugs like that, but sometimes I surprise myself and throw one in there every once in a while.
When I made it home I told my roommates about “the bonus” and joked while looking for money in the pockets. There was no money in the pockets but that would have made a guy feel swell about himself. Though I don’t care much for money, I really don’t. I don’t care if I make a lot of dough and all. I mean there are better things in the world like talking to some nuns about Romeo and Juliet. But let me tell ya these shorts were real nice, at least my roommates thought so.
The next night you can bet I was wearing my new shorts. I was looking good too, like a damn prince, I was. In my shorts I was mopping old J’s floor. I was gettin’ it real clean. To know the truth I was having a hellavu time too, because old Tchaikovsky was playin’ in the background. I’m crazy like that sometimes but it was real epic and all. A guy has to feel epic once in a while or he’ll start feeling lousy about himself and the world around him. I was feeling good and thinking of how I was going put this into a movie someday; A twenty-something moping an old crusty floor at his old crummy job with old Tchaikovsky playin’ in the background, now that would make a great movie, though I don’t care much for movies. But this would be different, there would no phonies in the whole goddam thing, that’s the trouble with movies these days, they’re always putting phonies who walk around lighting up cigarettes fallen in love while saving the whole damn world.
I mean every once in a while a guy has to play some classical music at a place like J’s Market or he’ll loose his brains, he will I tell ya. Hell, if you wanna know the truth, I think old Jesus would get a big bang out of a guy mopping a lousy floor with Tchaikovsky playin’ in the background. I was enjoying myself, I really was too I tell ya. I was thinking about meeting my boss’s daughter, commenting on how good Helen’s cooking was and all. You want to know something? Well, I am a good eater. I know how to tell someone when their food is good. It’s as simple as that. Some guys are lousy eaters, but I’m not. And then this guy in a big green Mickey-Mouse tank top walked in the joint like he owned the place, he really did too. I had to go and sale him a Schlitz or something like that. Normally I would feel embarrassed about a guy in a Mickey-Mouse tank top buying an old Schlitz and all but there was nothing phony about him, he practically owned the place by now, he really did too. I would have sold old J’s to him. If you wanna know the truth, that stuff just kills me sometimes. And there I go digressing again I’m always digressing. I mean it’s funny when a guy digresses he finds out what he really wants to talk about and all but some people get sore about it and lose interest. Big deal.
[Thanks for the voice J.D. Salinger -e.p.allen]
