An Angry Conversation of My Own

(A Tribute to Susan Isaacs and Her Book)

Have you ever been dumped in the name of God? I have. Have you ever dumped in the name of God? I haven’t. Well from my jaded perspective I think Valentines Day is a good opportunity to correct some misguided theology in regards to love. That said, I invite you to enjoy my lament . . . my imprecatory psalm . . . my story.

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What the Hell God? Why do you keep intervening and ending all my relationships? I may not be perfect but I’m not a jerk in that traditional sense. I don’t cheat on anyone, I pay for dinners and I open doors and you can believe me Lord I am real polite when I meet mothers. And yes for Your sake I would never hit a girl.

Yet still you and your angels conspire against me. You whisper messages in the ears of these naïve creatures which leave them saying things like: “it’s just not right.” “It’s not you, you are great, really you are, it’s me.” Or: “I’ve just prayed about it and God doesn’t want this for my life.” And my personal favorite God is: “God has not given me peace about it.” I’m no saint but that’s melodramatic bullshit.

I mean, who can argue with the Almighty God who sits on high? Can anyone dispute you? You bet I can.

Lord, why aren’t you telling me about peace of mind and about the future of your will for my life? You have to know that these third-party-marching-orders are confusing the hell out of me and my thoughts about you. It looks like you are passing notes again God and I’m the smelly kid in class. Is this the case? Answer me.

Don’t be fooled by their delicate frames and bashful cheeks. They are evil, nothing good in them I tell you. They’ve high-jacked your language and marred your words. Their irrational emotions mixed with your authoritarianism is shame to my ears. They’ve used this Judeo-Christian-babble far too long. They’ve used it to cover up razor-thin insecurities about themselves and the world around them. Yes God, you own cattle on a thousand hills but you’ve been robbed. These wantons have stolen and ripped your words from your cheek to save their own skin. They twist and tangle your rhetoric and use it to fuel this hellish and heretical harangue that they insist you’ve proclaimed from on high. It looks to me as if they are throwing your will around like it’s a chew toy. Muzzle them.

Because hearing, “its God’s will for my life is getting old.” I mean, I’ve heard it four times now. Four times from these lucrative little prayer warriors of yours. I don’t want to name-call or anything but they are cruel and malicious with your words. Women like this have declared war on men in your name for centuries. I admit Lord that some Christian men do it too. My disdain burns for them as well. Avenge them all. Rid this from the face of the earth. Remove it from our memories. Dismember it from limb to limb. And leave nothing behind . . . no carnage, no tracks, no blood, nothing Lord.

Rein them in. You are better than this. Tell them the truth about love. Tell them that you don’t care about who they marry just as long as when they find themselves at this point that they give themselves whole heartily to the other person. Please tell them that love cannot be divinely orchestrated because if it is it’s not love. Make that clear. And gently guide them into the charm and vulnerabilities of a relationship. Tell them about how it’s both scary and wonderful to love someone more than yourself. Invite them to this table. Let them taste the fruits of love.

Please Lord don’t let this treachery and deceit off the hook. Don’t let them slid and slip and weasel their way out of your hands. They’ve ransacked my heart with your words and now it’s starting to fuck with my theology. I find myself questioning you because they expound with the surety of the prophets. Am I insane? Answer me.

Why are so quiet all of sudden Lord. You talk to them but you won’t talk to me?

It’s hard to blame them. I mean they don’t know what they want. Really who does? Take a girl with her mind made up and God’s Will is about all that will suffice. Have them confess their reluctance to be in a relationship. I could handle this kind of honesty and life wouldn’t be so confusing. You, Lord, wouldn’t be so confusing. I could move on and know for certain that you didn’t have it out for me. I would know that the master of the universe wasn’t plotting against me. Naturally, I don’t think you are but I’m starting to question your ways O God. A guy can’t help himself with this banal message of God’s will for my life cackling and ringing in his brain. I’m losing respect for Christians like this as we speak. So I’m asking you to tell those fluffy-pontificating-psycho-boy-hating-quasi-Christian-girls to silence their pretty-crimson-traps. And Lord, I beseech that you act in haste.

God, like I said, girls have done this for years. They go around wielding the get-out-of-jail-free-card (God’s Will for my life) and you let them do this. It’s safe to say that they’ve pillaged more men in your name than the Catholic Crusades. The Conquistadors, Lord, were dirty, rotten and mean but they have nothing on these conquering-matriarchs seeping up from the gullies of Gehenna. Hell, some part of me wishes that someone would Salem-Witch-Hunt them. I might be getting too mean here but these lewd Philistines are not interested in introspection. They’ll never pursue to understanding their own emotions. They could careless about knowing themselves. These gangly creatures masquerade behind a flimsy-self-construed-spiritual-mask wrapped taut before their shifty gaze. I’m baffled that you let them get away with this pageantry. Why would you do this O God? Shall I remind you that they’ll disown you quicker than they disowned me. And then they’ll give credit to some grotesque edifice that they’ll erect in a whim of loneliness. You’ve seen it all before. Shall I remind you of the fleeting Hebrews melting metal at Sinai?

How can you just sit back and watch them continue to break hearts in your name? I am convinced that the poets and sages . . . that the artisans and custodians of our language cringe at such negligent sophistry. Save face and stop this immediately. If you don’t, I will turn into a withered soul and then I promise I won’t even try to love again. I suspect that there is more heresy festering in the cracks and crevices of these forlorn creatures than there is in a Mormon tapping at my screen-door. In my opinion they are worse than the patriotic-George-Bush-Jihad-War-on-Terror that you were so frequently pinned for. Not quite as bad as Dick Cheney though . . . but then again nobodies that bad. You laughed at my joke. I made you laugh but yet you remain silent to my questions.

Don’t you know that you’ve been reduced to a trite excuse crafted to cover up an inability to connect with another human person. You should not be blamed for this fragile incapability of theirs. There’s no dignity in it Lord . . . none at all.

I have decided to date non-Christians. At least until this, God’s will for my life talk settles. Non-Christian girls won’t use your name to justify things like natural hesitancy and incompatibility. Yes, I’m fully aware that non-Christians are bad people, horrible people, profane people whose names are blotted from the book of life. Your great word makes it clear that they’ll be seared and licked by the dancing flames in your brooding lake of fire and that their teeth will rattle and gnash for all of eternity BUT Lord they won’t dump me and call it your will for their lives. And you know God, I can live with that. They’ll just dump me for other reasons. So God, until things change I’ll be dating non-Christians and I’ll be calling it your will for my life. That’s peace of mind.

Happy Valentines Day!